The Timing

How many relationships end with some statement like, "It's just not the right time" or, "You met me at the wrong time", or anything that uses "time" in one fashion or another to call the whole thing off.  On the one hand I think you can use "timing" as the ultimate scapegoat excuse for leaving a relationship.  On the other hand you can't ignore the fact that timing is paramount to any two people having any type of relationship- even friendships.  I am beginning to feel like timing matters more than any kinds of feelings or connection that could ever erupt between two people.  I think timing might even be bigger than love itself.  Or that timing is 89% of what most people call "true love".


I didn't put up my Valentine's day post because it was more of a reaction to recent events than a reflection piece.  Essentially I had been handed "the time card" which ended what I felt was a pretty well-intentioned grassroots-type relationship without a lot of expectation (more on this later), hence the inspiration for what follows.

We all set boundaries for ourselves, give ourselves rules to live by, make assumptions about where we are supposed to be going in life.  In short, we create a story that we constantly redefine but always refer back to.  This story makes up our relational history, it connects the dots by filling in the space between otherwise isolated events.

In my opinion the problem with creating this narrative for ourselves, as far as relationships go, is that it separates us into the person we think we are (the person we tell a story about) and the person in the moment (the one who acts out, makes promises, loves, cries, has feelings, desires, etc).  The person in the moment is the one who enjoys, who can be spontaneous, who is open, who communicates, who kisses.  When you find yourself saying something like:  "I'm the kind of person who needs this, or likes ...." then you are stepping out of that moment and trying to be that person you describe.  You clutch your relational baggage, you try to position yourself in your story, re-establishing your patterns of comfort.

Your story may include some declaration like, "I can't be in a relationship at this time in my life."  Though by the time you have to tell someone this, you've already hit it off with a person, or become intimate on some level, or led them on somehow.  For example in college I knew this girl named, let's say, Judy.  Well Judy was pretty hip and a looker for sure and we had class together.  We started hanging out, had alot of similar literary interests, yada yada.  We were hooking up and everything was gravy for a minute.  Soon I felt like she was beginning to take liberties and cross boundaries as to what we were supposed to be. She had this cozy attitude that she could drop by whenever she pleased.  It drove me nuts.  It wasn't what I had envisioned as far as what this arrangement should be like.

How was she supposed to know she crossed this boundary that I'd set for her?  I had led her on essentially, and now was trying to cut her off and institute limitations.  I was making rules, because I had this pre-determined idea that I could not be in a relationship.  So I told her "this just isn't a good time for me to be in a relationship", which was another polite way of saying "I'm not willing to make this work anymore".  Looking back, I wish I would of just let things roll.  I didn't have anything to lose at the time.  Myself in the moment was much different from the character in my story.

I'm not trying to say that one could be in a relationship at any time regardless of life.  There are always some circumstances where it's just not possible.  I just wonder why it's so easy to ignore the parameters we set for ourselves.  In my aforementioned situation, I was simply lying to myself, ignoring my own rules, getting into something I wasn't ready for, yet being a very active participant.  I could have easily avoided my own trap.  Self, you should try to be in the moment the self you talk about.  Your story should be in concert with your actions.  Otherwise what is the point of dating?  Simply tricking people?  Perhaps...