Love's Worst Enemy

I recently read John Mayer’s interview with Playboy magazine. At one point during the interview, Mayer says – in regards to his break up with Jennifer Anniston – “Have you ever loved somebody, loved her completely, but had to end the relationship for life reasons?” This quote got me thinking about how often I’ve experienced this in my own relationships; so, in this piece I want to look at what I believe to be love’s two most formidable foes… Timing and circumstance.

I’ve had so many promising relationships end due to bad timing: a summer romance cut short by the two of us returning to separate schools; an end of semester love affair stifled by my graduation; a study abroad fling slammed shut by her early departure; a girlfriend leaving for grad school while I was still an undergrad; and so on, and so on, more times than I care to recall here. These battles lost to time have led me to believe that feeling is really only a small part of what makes love last – and that timing is often more important than anything.

In addition to timing, individual and situational circumstances have also played a role have forced me to end good relationships just as things were taking off. The difference between these two beasts, though, is that in my experience, circumstance has always been a thing of my own or my partners own design. It’s always some internal battle one or both of us are fighting. These inner battles, for me, usually take the form of feelings related to self-doubt, irrational fear, not wanting to let my guard down, or simply a desire to be free from the binds of a relationship. And while these circumstances stem from my own issues, they inevitably affect my attitude and behavior regarding my relationships.

Timing, on the other hand, always seems beyond either of our control, as partner and I become nothing more than cogs in its cold, ever spinning wheels.

So how can I ever expect a relationship to last when facing these two obstacles?

As far as I’m concerned, the only way it will ever last is with hard work. What I’m saying is this: to make it last, there are some pragmatic requirements that I and my partner must adhere to. We must both be ready to settle – that is, to be done with dating and sleeping around. We must also both be willing to work on ourselves in order to deal with our own fears and doubts that might cause relational downfall – in other words, we must be willing to unpack a lifetime of baggage, and be willing to help one another to do so. Of course, we must care about each other enough to do this, too (and vice versa). I could go listing specifics here, but it really boils down to three ingredients – love, commitment, and sacrifice; all for the sake of someone else. However, I believe these three things are mostly absent from young love. And at 24, I still consider myself to be young.

You may be thinking, “what if you meet someone who finally changes all that? Someone who you’re willing to make those sacrifices for?” Well, the romantic idealist in me wants to believe that will happen. I love the idea that there is some incredible woman out there who I need to be with forever. Someone who is so unbelievable that if I lose them I will lose everything… However, the realist in me says that that person doesn’t exist. Instead, I’ve come to believe that I will be capable of making such sacrifices not just when I meet someone great, but when I’m truly ready to make that sort of effort; and consequently, when I meet someone who is at the same place in their life.

The truth is, I’ve already met several girls who I would have been happy – and quite fortunate – to marry and spend the rest of my life with had we met at a different time, or under different circumstances. Nonetheless, at some point either they or I called it off because somewhere deep down we knew what it would take to make it work, and one or both of us just weren’t mature and prepared enough to put in that effort.

Maybe I'm a cynic– though I prefer realist. Either way, my opinion on this matter is the result of a long and arduous fire fight with two enemies who, despite my best efforts, have always gotten the best of me.

So for now, I’m putting my weapons down, surrendering to the enemy, and accepting it’s temporary reign over my romantic encounters – because until I know I’m ready to do what it takes to make a relationship last, I don't think there’s not a woman in this world who can convince me that I am.

And in the meantime, I’ll be busy fighting a different battle – the one with myself… and slowly marching toward the day when I’ll be settled enough within, to fully love somebody else.