The Grassroots Relationship

I think one question we all ask ourselves sometimes is: How can I go about this relationship thing in a better way? Only an extreme narcissist would be able to disagree. In consideration of the last piece, I’d like to explore the idea of how we can avoid this false construction of this other person. The two concepts in the piece title are inextricably linked: Anti-Attachment and the grassroots relationship. The idea is this: by remaining unattached and being emotionally rigid and at least somewhat rational, you can build relationships that are based on more than just what you want someone to be— a grassroots relationship in its purest.

This is always what I have thought I was looking for, but in different terms. I have sought this sort of ‘deeper connection’ which I get really excited about when I think it’s there. I am not really idealistic when it comes to women. I’m pretty loose as far as archetypes and qualifying criterion go. Joel talked about this idea of a ‘mental checklist’ he uses to evaluate women in his last piece. Mine is mostly exclusive, for example- I don’t prefer blond girls, but im totally flexible there. I like what I like, and I feel I can’t quantify that.

So I met this blonde girl, Marie, a couple years ago at the Bonnaroo music festival. She was tall and beautiful. I usually don’t like tall ones either, but I was awestruck. It was love at first sight, which I’m beginning to believe is just a nice phrase for infatuation. I got to know her a bit over a couple days of concerts and hanging out. We were both from the same area in Michigan so we continued to hang out that summer. Her personality was uncannily similar to mine, as well as her interests, or at least that’s how I perceived it. We hooked up once and I was hooked on her. She had this advanced idea that we should just be friends, because other guys were interested in her, and things were just too complicated to be any other way. This concept was entirely unacceptable to me. I could not just be friends with her. I turned into a cupcake in her presence. So I repelled her with my overbearing illogical love-conclusion of destiny, and the whole thing just flopped (obviously).

Only recently have I been able to understand this situation with any revealing insight. She was remaining unattached. She wasn’t on my level of intensity and so she took the high road. Her approach was to take things slowly, begin as friends, get to know me for who I actually was, and see what happens. She held the reins of the relationship. Had my approach meshed with hers, a grassroots relationship would have been possible.

Isn’t one person always more attached than another in a relationship? It seems there is always some power play going on, like it or not. I don’t like this aspect of dating— it’s a harsh reality. However, you can’t cheat the game so you might as well just play it. The safe move is to choose non-attachment, just like Marie did. There are multifold benefits to this strategy. You can hold the reins of the relationship— or at least not be crushed by the wagon. You can be respected. You also open up the possibility for a grassroots relationship, i.e. a relationship that isn’t based on your personal agenda or emotional strife, but one based on who a person is really is.

Imagine a relationship you expect no results from. A relationship you are not trying to push or pull in any direction. A relationship based on what’s happening now. However, the true grassroots relationship only arises when the other person has the same approach. You can remain pure by taking the high road of non-attachment while still exploring what this person has to offer. However, you could be off to a great start if both of you take the high road together. Or one slated for disaster if you’re both on the low road. In the mutually unattached scenario, you can choose together wisely about what will happen next.

I’ve never had a relationship like this. Perhaps the true grassroots relationship is like a platonic form – so perfectly unattainable. Nevertheless, it’s a model that I think does some good for the way we think about these things. Love will always rear its ugly head, so it’s all we can do to look it directly in the eyes.