Inhuman Communication

It’s 11:30 am on a Tuesday. I’m on the toilet battling last night’s dinner, when suddenly my phone vibrates with a new text message. It’s a girl I met last Friday night. We’d hit it off quite well, and I’d asked her if she’d like to go out sometime.

“Hey! What’s up, stranger!? ;) “ , she writes. Hmmm, how to respond?

“Oh not much, just punishing the ol’ porcelain like every other morning. What’s up with you?” This would of course be the honest answer, but in this case, it’s clearly not the most socially acceptable choice. Deciding it’s too soon to make such a foul, albeit honest, remark, I respond simply:

“not too much. You still up for that date sometime this week”

YES!”, she replies, “There’s this great new place downtown I’ve wanted to check out… how about Thursday night?”

“Sounds good to me. I’ll call you later this week to figure out the details.” “Sounds gooood… So…. how’s your week going so far?”

And just like that, things have become complicated, and suddenly I’m socially obligated to make a choice – respond or don’t. Continue this conversation, or nip it in the bud.

To be honest, I’d like to finish the business at hand and move on with my day. Then, as I said, I would give her a call later in the week to solidify plans and eventually go on the date. Instead, I’m forced to play this little virtual tennis match – serving and returning little quips of witty banter intended to posit my interest in her, while simultaneously trying to manage her interest in me. It’s exhausting, and I hate that it has come to this. Texting has become a make or break facet in the dawn of a new relationship, and I think it has tainted dating entirely.

For starters, there are these texting rules of engagement. If she sends a wink face, clearly implying some sort of flirty advance, will she be let down if I just send a smiley, or worse, no emoticon at all? What if I refuse to use LOL, or my least favorite of all the acronyms LMFAO? Will she think I have no sense of humor? Will she think I’m dense and don’t get her jokes? Maybe I’m just not laughing out loud because what you said really wasn’t that funny, ever think of that? It just seems fake, very lame, and kind of childish to me. I just can’t understand why on earth would any self-respecting 25 year old woman would send a ;), or use LMFAO in conversation.

Thus, in my bitter ongoing revolt against what I believe to be a very dumb and irritating practice, I ignore the rules and regulations that most seem to be governed by. In fact, I rarely even use punctuation, because I don’t like that someone can interpret so much some this symbol, “!”. I’m not trying to be cool or different or the black sheep by doing so, I’m just trying to avoid the consequences of adhering this language.

Look at this example. The same message coded two different ways. The first is what I’ve found to be common place message form, and abides by the technical rules of texting…

“Hey! What’s up? What are you doing tonight? ;) “

And this is one alternative/my usual approach.

“Hey whats up. What are you doing tonight”

Any text savvy individual can see a clear difference between these two messages. Based on that wink face, I’m certain that this person is interested in me romantically, or is at least entertaining the idea. She’s also clearly exited about the prospect of seeing me, because the exclamation point has become the texting equivalent of running up to someone on the street and giving them a hug. If neither of those inferences are true, then I really have no idea why she would bother sending a message in that form anyway.

The second message, though, is bland, and arguably sends a different message entirely. There is no excitement, no flirtation, no implied interest except that I’m taking the time to see what this person is doing that night. It’s pragmatic - useful and to the point, as I believe texts should be; but my message could be misinterpreted because I refuse to engage in the standard rules of cyber-communication. She may think I’m not fun or outgoing because I don’t reflect the same enthusiasm in my messages; or that I’m not really that interested, and she’s just another on the long list of women I’m texting that night. So, it seems that well calculated punctuation and emoticons now carry as much, if not more weight our words.

I’m not sure exactly what it is about this communicative evolution that makes me so crazy. I think for one, I don’t like that I’m so accessible. If I’m in the middle of something, and you want to start some small talk texting dialogue, I’m required to adhere, because if I don’t, inferences will be made. You may think I’m rude, flakey, uninterested, or just weird, when in fact, I’m just busy. Moreover, even if I reply with, “hey can’t really talk now, I’m pretty busy right now”, wouldn’t you expect me to reinitiate the conversation at a point when I’m free? I mean, if you call someone and they say they can’t talk, would you expect a call back? I sure would.

Now, say we’ve gone on one date, and it went ok. If I am constantly getting into these text conversations following that encounter, then we go out again and I decide you’re not for me, when I call you to say it’s not going to work there’s a good chance I’d be called out for leading you on. After all, why would I text you all the time if I wasn’t interested? Well, what of the alternative; what if I didn’t engage in said conversations? Would you have even gone out with me once, or would you think I’m rude for ignoring you all the time. There seems to be no middle ground.

Further, I don’t like the idea of getting to know someone, or talking to them regularly anything but face to face, and maybe occasionally over the phone or skype. It’s just too strange that both of us have so much time to calculate what we’re saying to one another. When you have five or ten minutes to reply to a message before the other person gets werided out, you can craft the perfect response. It may not be your gut response, or what you would have said in person, but rather a thoughtful, calculated message designed to get you closer to landing a first date, getting some casual action, or whatever your end game may be. To me, this is nothing short of deception – or at least a really creepy strange way to get what you want. You’re not really getting to know, or even truly communicating with this person, but rather the person they want you to think they are, which may not even hold up in the real world.

Finally, I think such ubiquitous texting means we don’t have to take ownership of our words, or our responses to someone else’s words. Each message is sent from behind the safety of your cell phone, so you’re probably going to be a bit more brave than you might otherwise be. I know I’ve said things through text that I might not in person, but you don’t see that. Nor can I see you blush when I ask you out; instead, I get a confidant, “yes” and a flirty “;)”. I can’t see if you’re really laughing hard at a joke I make, but rather I get a polite and reassuring LOL, or maybe an LMFAO if I’m really lucky. I can’t see the way you look at me when I say “I had a lot of fun tonight and I hope we can hang out again soon, goodnight”; nope, I get a smiley face, or maybe an extra “t” or a couple extra o’s on your “me toooo! I’d love to hang out again soon, goodnightt :)”. It’s like we no longer have to feel nervous about expressing our interest in someone, because they will never know how you truly react. They won’t see you do a little celebratory dance when you agree to go on a date, and they won’t see you do a sad dance – or whatever it is you do – when you get shut down.

Clearly, I could go on for pages about this, but I’ll spare you the boredom. My bottom line is that at some point our generation has started living these virtual lives, and our virtual self has become almost more important than our actual self in the early stages of a relationship. Obviously that changes in a real, long term, committed relationship, but you can’t deny the complex power of mediated communication in those uncertain first few weeks. But I’m tired of it, and I want out.

I want to play you on a song on the CD player in my car as we drive downtown for dinner; not post a link on your facebook wall. If you’re really interested in how my week is going, let’s go out on Friday and I’d be happy to tell you all about it, as well as to hear about yours. I want to get to know who you are in the flesh, warts and all – the two way communication curtain pulled from our conversation. I want to walk with you down a crowded street, crack a joke, see you smile and share a laugh, rather than letting our emoticons and acronyms do it for us.