Springtime is usually associated with passion, reproduction, fertilization, coitus, pollination, flirtation, and sexual imagination. If you have been reading this little blog at all then you might expect some musings on the latest fling. Well, for myself at least, this spring is ushering in a whole new set of realities. I fear that there has been a shift deep in the abyss of my soul. A new paradigm has arisen. Sometimes life makes you aware of the good things that you have. Life reveals you to yourself in some way beyond the simple pettiness of most relationships we concern ourselves with in everyday life. Call it luck, or a blessing, or what have you. It's more like taking a deep breath.
This spring is about taking a hard look inward. Cutting the wheat from the chaff. Realizing that maybe part of valuing yourself is believing that good things will come if you are doing good things. Trying to tilt the wheel of Karma toward happiness. Growing up? Or waking up?
I am taking a hiatus from the ego-game of dating. I can no longer stand to slog through the mire of confusion. Pretending to care, feigning interest, thinking about repercussions of situations. I'm not a mercenary. I'm bored with collecting the data from my experiments. I'm bored with the idea of experimenting. I don't know what there is to prove. I forgot my hypothesis. Maybe one day I'll remember what it was. Of course maybe this is all just a phase, like Spring is.
Things are blooming all over the place. Relationships, love, empuzzlement, beautiful things, ugly things, strange things. The only thing that is not blooming whatsoever is emptiness. Emptiness produces nothing, gives no options. It cannot grow, nothing surrounds it. It is the mute death of hope. Don't worry though, ladies and gentlemen, but there is a cricket in this black hole dungeon. The forests have burned and a sprig has risen from my ashen inner landscape. Emptiness says no.
"Yes is a world"
- e.e. cummings
"Yes is a world"
- e.e. cummings
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