your last relationship

In my recent experience, I have come to the realization that my prior relationship always somehow structures my attitude about what I’m currently seeking. It’s both a simple concept and often misconstrued phenomenon. If you were with a clinger, you will probably naturally gravitate toward someone who is more independent. And vice versa, the flighty and emotionally unavailable partner may will likely give way to someone a little more dependent in a relationship. It seems that we look to seek something new whether consciously or not. Even if things ended well with someone and you’re not actively trying to meet a new type of person, then just what makes a new person refreshing? Obviously, nobody wants a carbon copy of a past lover— might as well just die with your memories at that point. In this piece, I will use my own experience as a point of departure for constructively considering a past relationship in the context of a current or future one.

My first serious girlfriend was a tough nut to crack. Everything moved slowly, with small steps that were part of much bigger acts -like a symphony, or maybe the separation of Pangaea. We had almost opposite personalities, and we realized this. Communication wasn’t easy because we both dealt with things in different ways. We had to work at this relationship, which was usually a satisfying arrangement. Eventually we became very “serious” and invested. To simplify the situation, she was an A (linear, rational, organized) personality and I was a B (creative, passionate, flaky) personality. Eventually, I was worn out by the constant compromising and hammering out of issues. After it ended, I sought a like-minded partner.

My next relationship was like a spontaneous accident. We started dating before we even knew each other’s last names. We had some kind of insane beautiful chemistry. It was fun, it was addictive, and it quickly turned into love. She was an artist. I liked to write. I was attracted to her spontaneity and openness. We could talk about anything. We just jumped in, nothing was ever planned out. We were both B personalities. This new person was so different, and it felt so right. My previous relationship was completely occluded by this new one. I thought how naïve I was with the choice of my previous partner. After living together for awhile this relationship ended rather explosively and was really nothing but a glistening supernova.

There is a few things that can be useful to consider here:

1) Impulsivity is (usually) detrimental

2) Overcompensation is easy and feel natural

3) Your last relationship is both important and useless concurrently

Jumping into something can be a really easy way to help you forget your confusion, which is what I did. It can feel really good to make a decision, regardless of however irrational. If I could go back in time and talk to myself I’d say, “Congratulations, you’re a strong free spirited individual with your heart on your sleeve, you laugh at emotional risk and do what you want when you feel like it. You are reckless, ignorant, and probably wasting your time.” Being impulsive is for teenagers. Love at first sight may or may not exist, but true love at first sight does definitely does not exist.

My second relationship was a classic overcompensation in lieu of the first. I tried to forget everything about my first girlfriend— what worked, what didn’t work, what I liked about her, what I despised— all in an effort to rediscover myself through this new partner of mine. I thought she brought out the “real me”, and so I created a personal narrative that belittled my past relationship in favor of the one at hand. Ultimately, I let my second relationship eclipse the first and I failed at understanding myself. The second relationship was fraught with an entirely new and more volatile set of problems because it was and overcompensate partnership that I thought was based on this idea of ‘like-mindedness’- but really was just an aversion to my prior situation.

Thirdly, a past relationship is both important and useless in light of a new one. Trying too much to deviate from or replicate an ex-relationship just can’t be healthy. It taints all new possibilities.

I guess what I’ll take from this exploration is just an emphasis on the idea of savoring the process. To live in the moment is to slow down while not forgetting one’s personal history. One cannot thrive on impulsivity alone. A past relationship does matter, though not as much as it may sometimes seem. You may find seeds of the familiar in the vast fields your heart will inevitably sow.